A Decade in Review

As the 2010’s come to a close, I have been doing a lot of self reflection. If I am being honest, personal growth can be really difficult to examine. Looking back, there are a lot of moments where I want to close my eyes, shut the door, and never look back. There are also some really, really great moments too. Needless to say, I have learned a lot this decade. Some of it good, some bad, but all of it has shaped my into who I am today. 

I spent the entire decade in my 20’s, which as you can imagine was pretty tumultuous. In 10 years I got three college degrees, lived on my own for the first time, then moved back home, had 8 jobs (5 of which were part time side jobs to help pay my rent in my early 20’s), bought a house, adopted our dog Bailey, got married, started this blog, and finally the most recent milestone was landing a job in a career that I spent most of the decade working toward. 

If I could choose one word to describe this past decade, it would be strength. Without immense strength and having trust in the path I was going, I am not sure I would have stayed afloat. There were certainly times where I felt like I couldn’t muster up any energy to get through the day. I spent the majority of 2013-2016 coping with crippling anxiety and depression.  I am talking about spending all day in bed, unable to move, anxiety. I had no trust in myself, God, or the people around me, and I let my anxiety control me in a way that I am ashamed to admit. It impacted all of the corners of my life at the time. These are the moments I look back on wishing never to remember.  

It wasn’t until the latter half of the decade, and if I am being really honest a year ago, that I felt like I finally found peace with my path in this world. Here are a few things I learned this decade, and how I found strength within myself, God, and the people around me to get through them. 

It’s okay to ask for help. This. I wish I could go back in time and tell this my 24 year old self.  I was so ashamed of my declining mental health, that I kept it a secret from almost every important person in my life.  As a result, a lot of my relationships suffered. Each time I reflect on that period in my life, I wonder what could have changed if I had just let someone in. It wasn’t until I graduated nursing school in 2014 where I started to feel more comfortable talking to a few friends about what I was going through.  Even still, I don’t think I was being totally honest about the severity and I was quite literally drowning myself in my vices to get through it all. That year, I experienced my first panic attack, and knew I had to make a change. I sought out help from doctors, confided in my friends and family, and made some necessary changes in my life, including moving back home. Asking for help is something that I still, to this day, struggle with.  As a type A personality, I prefer to have control over my environment. When I was getting my masters degree, I was still coping with my anxiety, purchased a home, and started to plan a wedding. I waited too long, again, to ask for help, and I found myself in another period of declining mental health. My husband finally convinced me to ask for help with all of my never ending to do list. He took over 90% of the home responsibilities so I could focus solely on school and pulling myself out of my funk. 

My path is not someone else’s, and their path is not mine. Ah yes, the comparison trap. Raise your hand if you have ever fell victim to this. Like I mentioned, I spent this entire decade in my 20’s.  I didn’t get my first smart phone until I was 21, before iphones were really even a ‘must have’.  It is honestly crazy to look back and see how quickly technology has evolved since then. It is no coincidence that my journey with mental health started when I got my first iphone and downloaded twitter and instagram. I started comparing my life to everyone that walked this earth. So much so, that I let it cloud my vision with my relationship with JD. We spent almost a year apart as a result of my relentless comparison of my life to others. All I could think about was what party I wasn’t invited to, what people were saying about me, vacations people were taking, and milestones that other people were reaching that I wasn’t. The list goes on. Once my classmates started getting married it got worse, it felt like a race to me and I wasn’t measuring up. I had set unrealistic expectations for myself about when I should meet certain milestones.  Married by 24, kids by 25, and a fully completed family with a 5 bedroom home and a dog by the time I was 30. It took me a long time to realize I only wanted those things because of what I saw on the internet. I was not fit to be anyone’s wife or mother at 24. As a result, I now make it a priority to regularly unplug from my phone. This means deleting all my social media apps when I feel like it’s becoming too much.  Having a healthy relationship with technology has done wonders for my mental health. I have so much more faith in my path in life than I did before.  I know God has a plan for me, and I need to trust the direction I am going. 

True love will transcend all things. I met my husband when I was 20 years old. The start to our relationship was something from a movie. I had just ended a relationship the summer before my senior year of college.  The first week of the semester, I met JD. We were working together in the same work study program and even though we had mutual friends, we had never formally met. I will never forget during our work training we were all eating lunch and somehow got on the topic of what our perfect relationship looks like. JD had said his perfect girl would “Eat the pickles that come on the side of his sandwiches and drumsticks instead of wings because he hates both”. I turned around, never spoke to him in my life, and jokingly said I liked both. We continued the rest of that semester flirting at work and avoiding talking about our relationship. On the last day of the semester, after hanging paper snowflakes on the ceiling of the library where were worked together, I drove him home to his apartment in a snowstorm and he completely surprised me by kissing me goodbye. We both went home for winter break and had our first date on Valentine’s day next semester. The rest is history. I tell this story only because I am so glad that our relationship started in a way that was so natural and unencumbered by social media. To this day, that story is the foundation of our relationship.  JD is different from me in every way. His head is always in the clouds, and I stay grounded. I am organized, he is not. He is an extrovert, while I am more introverted. We balance each other out, and this has been so important because he provides me with another perspective on life. Even during our brief time apart, he stuck by my side through so much. It would have been easy for him to give up on me during those darker days. He takes care of me, makes me laugh, and always puts me first. He is such a blessing in my life, and I will spend every day being eternally grateful for him and all that he has shown me. 

Wow, can you believe I wrote a post that long. I feel like I said so much, but didn’t even scratch the surface of how I feel about this past decade! Much of my experience was learning to cope and manage my mental health. While I wish to never go back to that period, my experiences have made me stronger and more confident than I was 10 years ago, and for that I am thankful. I plan to walk into 2020 feeling more sure of myself than I ever have, and I hope if anything this will inspire you to find your own peace and happiness. I for one cannot wait to continue to watch my life unfold.  To keep living, healing, loving, and experiencing it all. 

I would love to hear about your decade and things that you have learned. The new year is a great time to set intentions and goals, and to get a fresh perspective on your journey into a new decade. Thank you for being a part of my life and my story. Let’s crush this new decade together! 

Xo, Kristen